I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
