moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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