when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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