Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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