I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
