It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
and she was petting her beer can
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
tequila makes me forget i have legs
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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