so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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