She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
