I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
