Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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