He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I need a beard to bite.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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