Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
