first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Randomize
