I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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