It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
