I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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