Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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