This is not my ceiling
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
