i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
