If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
