I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
sick fucks of a feather flock together
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
