If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
