So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
