so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
