the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
A bitchslap is in order.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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