I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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