FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
