seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
