I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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