How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
