Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
