im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
