winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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