So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
