I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
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