Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
