It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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