i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
