my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
