My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
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