I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
