he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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