Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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