Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Randomize
