Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
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