apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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