I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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