i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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