I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
