Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Randomize
