I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
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