70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Randomize
